Focusing on a Felt Sense: A Simple Practice for Couples
Originally developed by Professor Eugene Gendlin.
This exercise is to help you find a feeling through the ‘felt sense’ in the body. It is useful for couples in building expression of emotional experience. Avoidance in relationships often creates an emotional vacuum or constantly goes into a ‘cycle’ and finds the secondary emotion of anger.
- Find a Quiet Space
- Sit together in a comfortable, quiet place where you won’t be interrupted.
- Take a few moments to relax, close your eyes, and focus on your breath. This helps calm the mind and body.
- Pause and Check In
- Silently ask yourself, “How am I feeling right now?”
- Don’t rush to answer. Allow a moment for a vague, felt sense to arise—this could be a tension, tightness, warmth, or any subtle sensation in your body.
- Stay with the Felt Sense
- Once you notice a feeling or sensation, stay with it for a few moments. Don’t try to label or explain it right away.
- Just notice where it is in your body and what it feels like. Is it heavy, light, warm, or tight?
- Gently Ask What It Means
- When you feel ready, ask yourself, “What is this feeling about?” or “What does this sensation mean?”
- Be patient with yourself. The answer might come as a word, image, or just a sense of knowing.
- Share and Reflect
- Share what you noticed with your partner, describing it as best you can.
- Your partner listens and reflects back what you said, mirroring your words to let you know they’ve heard you. For example, “You said you feel a tightness in your chest, and it seems connected to feeling overwhelmed.”
- Listen and Connect
- While one person shares, the other reflects without adding interpretations or advice. This creates a sense of being heard and understood.
- Stay Curious
- If something feels unclear, you can ask gentle questions like, “What more can I sense here?” or “Is there anything else about this feeling?”
- As you continue, more insights might come up, and you can share them with each other.
Note
During this practice, if you feel stuck you can try giving the ‘felt sense’ a word, to see if it fits. Think of it like having a bunch of keys for a door and you are trying to find the key that fits.
If a feeling word doesn’t sit right after a while, try another word. Sometimes feelings change during this practice, just keep adjusting to the new ‘felt sense’. Give yourself time and be patient.